Welcome To Camp Nostink!
Hi Kids! I bet you're really excited about going to Camp Nostink, but there are a few things you should know before you get on the bus. First of all, did you know that BIG SCARY BEARS eat children who smell like icky scented soap and lotion and shampoo and detergent and deodorant? When these BIG SCARY BEARS smell perfume or essential oils on a little boy or girl, they do very grisly things. Have you ever wondered why mosquitoes are repelled by Avon Skin So Soft? This is because mosquitoes are smart and move out of the way before the bears come. Do you want to have your arms and legs ripped off by a BIG SCARY BEAR? If not, you must rid yourself of all scents before coming to Camp Nostink, and not bring ANY scented products with you. You know what really smells pretty? Fresh air without icky chemicals like acetone and benzaldehyde and limonene. These chemicals are in your hairspray and makeup and perfume and soap and shampoo and lip balm, which is why the bears are so mad! When people try to sell you these products, you should get mad like a bear and bite them on the arms! Grrrrrrrr.
Even when you use fragrance free bear-proof items (see: How to Be Fragrance Free) to clean and moisturize and primp and deodorize yourself, your clothes will still smell like yucky scented detergent, so unless you get rid of the smell the BIG SCARY BEARS will still eat you. Your Mommy and Daddy probably buy detergent that has a Fresh Clean Scent that is actually a bunch of really bad chemicals that cause cancer. If your Mommy and Daddy buy dryer sheets, you probably live in a cult. Talk to a camp counselor about how to get deprogrammed and be adopted by new parents. You see, dryer sheets are manufactured by SATAN. Remember that queasy feeling you used to get in your tummy when the little Snuggle bear appeared on TV to advertise fabric softener? Remember how you had nightmares that the Snuggle bear came into your bedroom with a pitchfork and asked for your soul? You had those nightmares because the Snuggle bear, as you probably suspected, is the devil.
If you have ever used dryer sheets, it will be impossible to exorcise the prince of darkness from your clothes. You might as well throw them out. At Camp Nostink, you can wear "guest clothes" if you like that contain NO SATAN. These clothes are 100% Satan-free and bear-repellent. Before coming to Camp Nostink, you should follow the Camp Nostink guidelines for washing clothes. Don't trust your own sense of smell. Remember, BIG SCARY BEARS have a much stronger sense of smell than you do. And remember, it hurts a lot to have your arms ripped off.
Bug spray is made by evil people who want to kill all cute furry animals and create a master race of giant cockroaches who can live off of garbage. It is silly that people use bug spray in nature because bug spray is made of nasty chemicals that kill the natural world. Did you know bug spray can cause brain damage? You didn't? You're still using it? That could mean you already have brain damage. Pretty soon you will be as dumb as the people who make bug spray. Do you want people to make fun of you because you're as stupid as a corporation? Then tell your Off spray to bug off! Also, there is NO SMOKING at Camp Nostink. Cigarettes were invented by the Snuggle bear.
Even the EPA knows that fragrances are bad! Check out this link to The Health Risks of Twenty Most Common Chemicals Found in Thirty One Fragrance Products By a 1991 EPA Study
Click here for information on where to Buy Fragrance Free Products.
By Peggy Munson. This article may be reprinted and distributed freely.